How to Sell Newspapers

Lately the "news" is full of old stuff. Isn't that directly the opposite of news? I mean, isn't news supposed to be NEW, as in "this just in" and "hot off the press?"

Instead, today's purveyors of news are all aflutter over Roman Polanski's alleged crime of rape that took place 30 years ago; even the victim is bored to death hearing about it. Then actress Mackenzie Phillips, the talentless offspring of former head "Papa" John Phillips, is running off at the mouth and in print about her 10-year-long rape by her dead dad we barely remember. Larry King gave her an hour on TV to exploit her own tragic past. (Grrrrrr, I'd like to snap his suspenders.....)

And now Elizabeth Smart, the sweet-faced Mormon child plucked from her sleeping family in 2002 (say what you will, but no weirdo got near my kid when I was around) is back in the "news," finally ready to thrill us with accounts of the "daily rape" she endured seven years ago, by the nut-job who took her.

This trend got me thinking: As everyone knows, shrinking newspapers are folding daily--ha ha, no pun intended--while unemployed reporters troll Craigslist.com in search of a livlihood. So to improve sales, why not start calling them "oldpapers" and print salacious stories from the bad old days? And FYI, if you want to sell papers, relax your standards a little!
Consider the possibilities: Imagine waking up to these headlines in tomorrow's Daily Olds:
OJ Kills Ex-Wife and Friend (Who Maybe Was Gay)!
Princess Di and Lover Dead: Was She Preggers?
Teddy Drowns Mary Jo: Oh Really, Is That All?
Jacko's Child Might Really Be His (and Could be Gay)!
Kirstie Alley Gains 50 Pounds, Possibly Oprah's!

Just remember, you read it here first.

As the World Turns...Against Us

"I've never really had a disappointment like this," said Ken Rudd, a 33-year-old salesman from Evergreen Park. "This is one of the saddest things I've ever seen."

What could he be talking about? Did he just find out his wife gave birth to a stillborn infant? Were his parents murdered during a home invasion? Maybe it was that he got passed over for a promotion, or one of his kids was diagnosed with cancer? Uh, his dog had to be euthanized? His tax return caught fire before he had a chance to mail it in? No, it was...Chicago getting passed over for the 2016 Olympics!

WTF? Either this man has been blessed with a worry-free life or he is an idiot. Who cares where the Olympics are played, other than the participating athletes and of course, Barry and Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey?

That trio had visions of dollar signs in their heads already, enough to cause them to fly to Copenhagen (gee, I wonder who paid for that trip Air Force One, its double decoy plane, and the plane carrying Obama's bullet-proof limo made?) to make the pitch to the IOC.

If the city of Chicago had won, they might have had added some intriguing new sports:
1. Running from the Gangs
2. Running from the Police
3. Getting Tasered by the Police
4. Outing Sleazy Politicians
5. Finding a Decent Pizza

Congrats, Rio!